Berlinbound

Where there’s muck there’s brass

The environment truly is nirvana for Big Business. Leafing through the latest copy of weekly news magazine Der Spiegel (and I say leafing because there’s very little worth reading in it), I counted no fewer than nine big, expensive ads placed by multinational corporations each proclaiming to be doing their bit for the environment. Who are these greener-than-thou organisations? Fairtrade? The Co-op Bank? Greenpeace? Err, no, not quite. Try ExxonMobil, BP, Lufthansa, General Electric, smart, the German nuclear power industry association, VW, Citroen, and German power utility RWE.

Here are the details:

Lufthansa: One double-page ad on their support for research into environmentally-friendly technology. Slogan: Wachstum umweltbewusst gestalten. Aus Verantwortung. (Rough translation: Growth driven by sensitivity for the environment. It’s our responsibility.)

GE: One full-page ad with an image of picturesque mountain terrain covered in pine trees. There’s a deep blue river in the foreground, and, err, a coal-laden barge. The headline reads: Weil die Natur Energie mit weniger Emissionen braucht. (Because nature needs power with lower emissions).

Smart: One double-page ad featuring an image of a smart car with CO2 Champion daubed on the side in green paint. Also features the “Live Earth” logo.

The German nuclear industry association: One full-page ad entitled Deutschlands ungeliebte Klimaschützer (Germany’s unloved protectors of the environment). Image of a lake with grassy banks in the foreground. Oh and two cooling towers in the background.

VW: One full-page ad including a booklet containing lots of images of cars driving along fields, orchards, tree-lined roads. The message: Wer ein Auto fährt, trägt eine grosse Verantwortung. Wer eines herstellt, erst recht (Car drivers have a big responsibility. Carmakers an even bigger one).

Citroen: A double half-page spread with an image of a sort of human car leaning back and relaxing in a field surrounded by butterflies and flowers. The headline: Unser CO2 Gewissen ist 120 Gramm leicht (Our CO2 conscience weighs just 120 grams).

RWE: A full-page spread, no image apart from a German flag fluttering in the top right-hand corner. Headline: Energieeffizienz ist für uns kein Zukunftsthema. Sondern eine Aufgabe der Gegenwart (Energy efficiency isn’t a thing of the future for us. It’s a challenge for today). Followed by three paragraphs of blahdeblah that I couldn’t be bothered to read.

ExxonMobil: The environment’s best friend has taken out a full-page ad with the headline: Weniger Emissionen? Wir arbeiten daran (Lower emissions? We’re working on it). Sure you are guys, sure you are.

BP: The pioneer of green branding isn’t going to miss out on this party, and gets in on the act with a full-page ad on the inside back cover sporting the headline Biokraftstoffe: weniger CO2, mehr IQ (Biofuel: less CO2, more IQ).

Coining in the green

A full-page, four-colour advert (like all of the above) in Der Spiegel currently costs €51,110. Which means the value of all the ad space for this guff would have been a bacon-sandwich-dropping €562,100.

But can readers expect fair and balanced reporting on Big Business and the environment from a magazine that trousers over half a million euros in ad revenue from big corporations in just one week?

Maybe. But just maybe.

Bye Bye Tony

From the entire team at Berlinbound, I'd like to say a great big Auf Wiedersehen to Europe's twenty-seventh most popular politician, Mr Tony Blair.

Within the spirit of full disclosure, I have to admit that I voted "New" Labour in 1997 (however, do remember the alternative was JOHN MAJOR back then). But for me, the Blair bubble burst days later when he invited Maggie "Milk Snatcher" Thatcher for tea and cakes at Number 10.

So without a tear in my eye, may I be one of the millions to be saying today...

iSore

St. Hedwig's is a Catholic cathedral in the centre of Berlin, nestling just behind the State Opera House on Unter den Linden. One online guide describes the building thus:

The façade is characterized by a simple plaster ashlar, high, unadorned Romanesque windows and an entablature running around the entire structure. The portico is accentuated architecturally, with its triangular gable supported by six Ionic three-quarter columns. The intercolumniation alternates between Romanesque portals and statue niches with vertical rectangular supraportals decorated with reliefs of scenes from the New Testament.

Sounds great doesn't it? Definitely worth a visit. However, the façade is currently undergoing restoration, and instead, visitors have to make do with this monstrosity:

From America with love

Rufus Wainwright has a fantastic new album, Release the Stars. It was recorded in Berlin and several tracks were inspired by the city - Tiergarten and Sanssouci more or less giving the game away. One of the stand-out songs, and the first single to be released, is called Going to a Town, a melodious tune about disillusionment, hope, and Berlin. Enjoy!

Number crunching

Total military spending by the German government in 2006:

27.7 billion euros

Total amount paid out in compensation by the German government and German companies to 1.665 million forced labourers (during the Nazi dictatorship):

4.37 billion euros

Der Schwimmer über Berlin

A few weeks ago, there was a picture of German film director Wim Wenders (Wings of Desire, Paris Texas) in the newspaper. He lives around here, Torstrasse to be precise, which is a very busy street in Mitte. Poor old Wim is fed up with the loud traffic, so he has set up an action group to campaign against noise pollution on Torstrasse. A follow-up report recently said that Wenders has a penthouse with an eighteen-meter outdoor pool on the roof. Hmmmm. So I fired up Google Earth and scanned along Torstrasse....bugger me sideways with a fishfork!

Arses and elbows

I've been getting strange sales calls from Deutsche Telekom recently. But I just can't muster up any indignation at the company commonly known as Die Telekom. I think it's because I feel a bit sorry for them: for their employees for having to work for such an uninspiring organization, for the management for having to lead such an unwieldy behemoth, and for their shareholders (well, only to a certain extent), who must wake up every single morning cursing the day they pumped their hard-earned savings into not a white but a magenta elephant.

When the company first floated on the stock market in 1996, its shares were five times over-subscribed.  The issue price was 14.57 euros. Ten-and-a-half years later, the share price stands at an appalling 12.60 euros. During the dotcom bubble, it actually peaked at 103.50 euros. If you didn't sell back then, you must be feeling pretty suicidal now.

Last week, Telekom announced a 58 percent drop in profits and the loss of half a million fixed-line customers in the first quarter of 2007 alone.

To add to their woes, 14,000 staff have now gone on strike in protest at the new CEO's attempt to push through reforms and spin-off its service arm. Management have offered staff a less than enticing proposal of longer hours (38 instead of 34 per week) and 9 percent less pay.

Nevertheless, despite the walk out, there seem to be enough people around to pester me. The first call was a lady asking if I would like a new mobile. When I explained that I've got one, she asked me if I would like another one. Err, no, thanks but no thanks. The second call was another lady asking whether I would like one of the new Telekom phone and internet flatrate plans. Err, I've already got one - and have had one for the last four months. Surely it's not unreasonable to expect Telekom might know this rather basic piece of information themselves.

This second call in particular - and Telekom's obvious inability to distinguish between an arse and an elbow - could be the reason why they are in such deep doggy doo in the first place.

Journo gets freebie to beach, makes up story

The BBC News website has a rather baffling story penned by Berlin correspondent Steven Rosenberg. “Germans stay home for eco-holiday” it declares. But don’t hold your breath because there isn’t much substance behind the headline. In fact the whole thing has the whiff of a PR job arranged by the tourist board.

Rosenberg describes how the Beeb dispatched him to the lovely Baltic beaches of Mecklenburg-Vorpommen (or Mecklenburg-Western Pommerania as the long-winded translation goes).

“There I am: polo shirt, shorts and sunglasses, lying on a white sandy beach, the sea gently lapping at my toes, the strains of Latino music dancing their way through the air, and the sun beating down through a cloudless sky.”

Aaah spring, the new summer. And all thanks to global warming. It gets even better.

“The smell of sausages and mustard wafts over from a beach cafe...Giggling by the sea - and lying topless in the sun - are Martina and her three environmentally friendly colleagues.”

Blimey, sausages and topless beach babes. What more could a BBC reporter want? An angle for a story, perhaps?

How exactly do you justify sitting on a beach chatting up the lovely Martina and her tree-hugging mates? Nowadays, you go for the green angle. Yes, the trusty old environment. Used and abused for centuries by man, and now used and abused by hacks searching desperately for a story.

Rosenberg’s spurious line is that many Germans are shunning foreign travel to save the environment. They want to: “Cut down their carbon emissions, to do their bit in the fight against global warming.”

Good for them! What facts does he present to back this up? Errrrrrr, absolutely none. Instead, a bloke from the local tourist board tells us that, “Climate change is an issue.” Which sounds suspiciously like an answer to the question: “Is climate change an issue?” The tourism Futzi continues:

"If you choose to spend your holiday on the Baltic Sea, then many people say they do that because of climate change. They don't want to pollute the environment by taking a plane."

But it's ok to drive a big gas-guzzling Merc half the way across Germany to get to the beach is it? Note also the phrase: “Many people say they do.” Normally, this would be the point where a journalist should ask, “Do you have any figures to back that up?” Is that not the reason we have journalists? To find out if people actually do what PR agencies and tourist boards say they do but maybe actually don’t?

No, instead of fact we get anecdotal evidence from random people on the beach. You can almost see Rosenberg trawling the beach like the “Cola! Fanta! Melon!” peddlers in Spain shouting out, “Does anyone have a soundbite about saving the environment?” His wish is granted when a Waltraud steps forward to make the ludicrous comparison the BBC man is digging for:

“I get a Maldive feeling here because beaches on the Maldives are the same: long white sand and a lot of sun. So normally it's not necessary to go to the Maldives, you can take your holiday here in Germany!"

Yeah Waltraud, and they don't have all that funny food do they? And you can drink the water from the tap without getting the runs. And they don't speak 'foreign.' And they're not all thieving Eyetie...wooah wooah steady on!

Back to the lovely pouting Martina, who, “once she'd put her bikini back on,” reveals herself as a bit of a space cadet. “The traffic in the air is too much and it's not good for us." Chew on that for a moment. The traffic in the air. There are too many flying cars or what?

Rosenberg’s cooked-up story caught my eye mainly because there have been several reports recently to suggest the contrary: that Germans are actually planning to take MORE holidays this year – both at home and abroad.

In March, a survey by the German travel industry association (ITB) found that as a result of the economic upturn, three percent more Germans are planning to go away in 2007 than in 2006. And that data was collated back in January. Since then there has been bucketloads more positive economic data. So there’s good reason to believe the actual increase will be much higher.

But for argument’s sake, let’s work on the three-percent assumption. Last year, 48.6 million Germans went away on holiday. A three-percent rise would mean almost 1.5 million more in 2007. I’m no expert, but unless they all go by bike, that’s not going to do the environment a whole load of good. Whether they fly to Majorca or make a 500-mile round trip in the Merc is more or less schnurzegal – the environment loses either way.

It’s downright misleading of the BBC to suggest that there is some sort of mass movement among the German populace to holiday at home because they want to save the planet. Sure, there will be an increase in people holidaying in Germany this year. But will it be because they want to do the environment a favour? For some, possibly, for most, probably not. But don’t expect to get the real answer from the BBC.

That joke isn’t funny anymore

Earlier this year, Comedy Central started broadcasting free to air via cable in Germany.

Finally! Finally! Some decent comedy. Arrested Development, Chapelle’s Show, Extras, Little Britain, Green Wing. It sounded too good to be true.

Unfortunately it was. Because some bright spark – let’s call him Brains – decided to translate, ‘localise’ and dub all the shows – and badly. In doing so, Brains has actually managed to remove the humour lock, stock and barrel from some of the finest and funniest shows around.

Let me give you an example from an episode of Little Britain. There is one recurring sketch with a middle-aged woman and her long-suffering husband. The scene is always the same, sitting in a restaurant. Every time, the woman finds some way of levering into the conversation the fact that she was a bridesmaid at Mollie Sugden’s wedding. Typically it starts off with something like, “I’ll have a glass of Mollie. Ooh I mean water. Did someone say Mollie Sugden?” And off she goes.

Mollie Sugden, for the benefit of those of you scratching your heads, was an actress most famous for her role in a popular ‘70s/’80s British sitcom called Are you being served – a show whose jokes revolved around cheeky innuendo and tiresome catchphrases. Sugden played an old battleaxe called Mrs Slocombe who made endless references to her pussy – meaning her cat of course.

Anyway, Mollie Sugden has barely graced a TV screen since the BBC pulled the plug on Are you being served in 1985. When she has – say on Noel’s House Party – you could bet your crinkly bottom dollar she was only there to mention her withered old pussy.

So essentially, the joke of the Little Britain sketch is based around the fact that Mollie Sugden isn’t famous anymore, yet this woman in the restaurant wants to tell her pathetic claim to fame to the whole world. Admittedly, it’s one of the poorer sketches on Little Britain. Nevertheless, there is at least a hint of humour there. Until Brains at Comedy Central got his hands on it, and decided it needed knocking into shape for a German audience.

It must have gone something like this: “Who the hell is Mollie Sugden? Don’t know. Shall I ask someone? Naaa. Tap it into Google. Ah look, Wikipedia says she’s a famous British actress. Ok but no one in Germany will have heard of her. Let’s replace her with someone else. Someone British and famous. Got it! Victoria Beckham. Genius.”

Yes folks, they have actually written out Mollie Sugden and replaced her with Victoria Beckham. Ooops. Only one problem with that. Like it or not, Victoria Beckham is a megastar, an A-list celeb. Poor old Mollie is the very essence of a Z-lister. By morphing Sugden into Beckham, what’s left is a rather tepid sketch with a woman proudly telling the world she did something many others would love to have done – and would also love to boast about.

This sloppiness shouldn’t surprise anyone who has ever watched MTV Germany – the sister channel of Comedy Central. Because they seem to invest little thought and even less money in dubbing and subtitling their US shows for Germany.

That results quite frequently in some terrible bloopers – misinterpretations caused by not listening properly, not understanding properly – or by guessing.

One mistake will remain forever etched in my memory. It was an episode of The Osbournes – the fly on the wall ‘reality’ show following the deranged Osbourne family. Unlike normal episodes, there were no dogs shitting on carpets or people throwing joints of ham into the neighbours’ garden. This one just had Ozzy reflecting on his life. He talked about growing up in Birmingham and about how his parents worked hard to provide for the family. One of the things he said was (paraphrased): “We were a poor family but we never went without, there was always food on the table.” The German subtitle?: “Wir hatten nie was zu essen” – we never had anything to eat.

You couldn’t make it up. Unless you work for MTV, of course.

All riot on the night

May Day passed off without major incident yesterday. In recent years, there had been a proliferation of rioting by left-wing anarchists, particularly in Kreuzberg. However, this year, as Tagesspiegel reports,

“One group of rioters smashed up a bus shelter. Another set fire to a wheelie bin and vandalised public phone boxes. Bottles and stones were thrown at police...who used pepper spray and made over 20 arrests.”

Sounds like a quiet Saturday night in Manchester.

Uncle Tom's Cabin

One of the more unusual names on the Berlin public-transport network is the U-Bahn (tube/subway) stop Onkel Toms Hütte or Uncle Tom's Cabin. Named after Harriet Beecher-Stowe's classic (and nowadays somewhat controversial) anti-slavery novel, the stop is located unsurprisingly on Onkel-Tom-Strasse in swanky suburb Dahlem in the south west of Berlin. Here's the proof:

The trauma of the 15 yard dash

Football is the opium of the German people. Vereine, or local clubs, now have over six million active members on their books – more than any other European nation, including the footy-mad UK.

But in a country of 84 million people, that means actually only slightly more than 7 percent play the game. However, as any non-German will know only too well, there is another sport enjoyed by, ooh let me see, about the entire adult population of Germany: the 15 yard dash – to the front of queues.

German queues are a nightmare for the British who are drilled from birth to stand politely in line until it is your turn. Worst-case scenario: the queue that doesn’t look like a queue, but more like a blob of people pushing their way towards a counter, onto a bus, into a theatre...the list is endless. This author has even stood in queues that bend around and cut back across themselves, longing for those airport barriers that keep the hoi polloi in check.

And if German queues/blobs weren’t traumatic enough, the 15 yard dash is enough to turn the average Brit, with his repertoire of “sorrys” and “after yous,” into a gibbering wreck.

The usual arena for the game is the supermarket. But you can play practically anywhere: from the ski lifts of Garmisch-Partenkirchen, to the cloakroom at Berlin’s State Opera. Open to people of all ages and from all walks of life, the object is quite simple: to get to the front of the queue at all costs. Such as dignity, politeness, and goodwill to fellow men. There is only one rule: NEVER LOOK THE OPPOSITION IN THE EYE. You look, you lose.

I appreciate it might be difficult for the uninitiated to imagine how the game works, so I’ve drawn a sketch, albeit a rather rough and ready one, to illustrate a typical passage of play (click to enlarge).

This supermarket has three tills. Tills 1 and 3 are open. Till 2 is unmanned. The queues are growing. The game can commence.

Sufficient tutting by queuing customers will ensure that sooner or later till 2 is opened. To get there first you have to be alert, nimble, and utterly ruthless. Because the second a shop employee comes within range of till 2, it’s every Jürgen for himself.

As you can see, the first couple of people in each queue have to weigh up whether it is worth playing at all. The stakes are higher for them because they might end up further back, losing their original position and a good deal of face to boot: a nightmare scenario for any player. The more likely challengers are therefore the people towards the back. Not just because they have less to lose, but also because they have a better view of the approaching cashier.

By this stage the challengers’ eyes will be all over the place, as they scan the arena on the lookout for an employee. Even the spotty apprentice stacking the Happy End toilet paper is ogled like the gatekeeper to paradise.

Someone’s approaching. Nervous shuffling and murmering. It’s a waiting game. The staff member might not be going to open the till after all. One false move and you can end up with egg all over your face. Timing is crucial.

Another danger comes in the shape of the outsiders – people who weren’t queuing at all, but who are just arriving, and have spotted a cashier heading towards a till. They can use their momentum to nip in front of their stationary rivals.

Then everything happens very quickly. All hell breaks loose to the sound of clattering trolleys. Rotund housewives and their even more rotund husbands – adrenaline pumping through their veins – fight tooth and nail to prevent the supermarket from stealing precious minutes of their dreary lives.

And in just a few split seconds, a billion years of evolution are annihilated. Man returns to his most primitive form, grunting his flabby way to the front of the queue clutching not a club but a Dr Oetker “Hawaiian” pizza, a box of Pop Tarts, and a tube of Squeezee Cheese.

That's not the Hoff!

For reasons best known to myself, I was looking through Google Images for a picture of David Hasselhoff's famous live performance in front of the Brandenburg Gate in 1989. And stumbled across a rather amusing but most definitely not safe for work picture. Also, if you are the type of person who would write to Points of View about seeing a bare buttock three minutes before the watershed, best not click either. Here you go.

Barclays banker

You're a TV stock-market analyst. Investors up and down the country value your expert opinion. CEOs hang on your every word.

But your job's getting you down, you're having a bit of a mid-life crisis, and you've got money worries. You need to let off steam. So what do you do? Take up a new hobby, perhaps golf or sailing? Buy a convertible? Go to the pub with your mates and talk it over?

Or do you hang a sign around your neck that says, "Chop off my cock" and go masturbating in public?

If your name's Marcel Mussler, you do the latter. A one-time talking head on Bloomberg and German news channel n-tv, Mussler has just been fined 2000 euros for two counts of gross indecency. According to Bild, in early 2006, he approached a woman at a bus stop and opened up his trenchcoat to reveal the inviting message: Schwanz ab. He then asked the woman if she would like to do the deed (cut off his little general, that is). Clearly unfazed, the quick-witted woman replied, "Only if you pay me 1,000 euros and give me written permission." Mussler scarpered.

Later, he turned up in Frankfurt's red-light district, and, still donning his sign, proceeded to bash his bischof in front of a 16-year-old girl while shouting, "Do you want a go?"

Bild's intrepid reporters caught up with Mussler at home. The explanation for his bizarre behaviour? "I was going through a bit of a crisis and had financial problems. I had to let off steam. Some people's sexual urges are just different. I'm going to apologise to the women involved. I was so stupid! In future, I'll let off steam at home."

Mussler has since been, ahem, relieved of several positions he held.

Doing the knowledge

Although I don't always agree with their politics, you can't fault The Economist when it comes to accuracy, clarity and insight. Their reporting on Germany is excellent, and is far superior to the tedious nonsense filed by the foreign correspondents of other notable British papers. At The Economist, they will often go to great lengths to place things into context and explain how things work in Germany, drawing comparisons with the rest of the world. The Backgrounder section is essential reading for anyone who wants to understand a bit more about what makes this country tick, and the Berlin guide has some great tips and general information for newcomers and visitors.

Spring in Prenzlauer Berg

Spring has finally sprung and Berlin is getting greener and prettier by the day. I've uploaded this and other snapshots taken around Prenzlauer Berg to an album here.

Fritz all over now

Why do so many young Germans have non-German names? Kevin and Mandy being two that immediately spring to mind.

There are no official statistics on first names in Germany (I know, it’s hard to believe). However, the authors of this Website claim to have collated the first names of 27,700 babies born at 79 clinics and hospitals throughout Germany. If that’s true, it’s safe to assume it’s a fairly good reflection of the wider picture.

As the random and frequent use of (bad) English in German advertising shows, our Teutonic friends do seem particularly susceptible to transient kitsch fads. Which is harmless enough if it is restricted to being one of 20 million owners of a Wackel-Elvis. But your kid’s name? Your own flesh and blood? The only thing in life you might be proud of? Do you really want to call it Bryan Finkelstein?

In its eternal wisdom, the crowd has seemingly decided that, in a world where mashed potato comes powdered in a bag, people with traditional names are persona non grata. So you’ll be hard pushed to find a Grit, Waltraud, Brunhilde, Helga, Birgit or Ute under the age of 30. If you do, they are probably pitied by their friends, if they have any. Even more moderate names like Petra, Hannelore, or Karin are now relics of the past. It’s all Angelina this and Aaliyah that nowadays.

The boys fare even worse. In 2006, there’s not a Wolfgang, a Jürgen, or a Fritz in sight. In fact, the last time Wolfgang appears on the list is way back in the 1970s. Again, even more moderate, palatable choices like Klaus, Dieter and Hans don’t get a look in. If this list is to be believed, last year, Mustafa, Rasmus, Lennox, Damian and Bryan were all more popular than any of the above. Imagine the horrific combinations. Bryan Schneider. Damian Müller. Lennox Steiner (actually that sounds quite cool, like a superhero).

Clicking on Babynamen der Woche (names of the week) reveals some real shockers. Letizia-Charisma anyone? Or how about Vanilla Ruby Ocean?

There’s also a list of the most popular names from around the world. It’s reassuring to see that not even the Kylies, Skyes, Cailyns, Braedens, Aidens, Jadens and Hadens have dented the popularity of traditional names in the UK. However, there is a strong trash undercurrent in the UK as well, and we learn that there are some lowlifes giving their kids names like Ikea, Bambi and Caramel.

So why do people do it? The media and celebrities must play a fairly significant role. Many take their lead from the Beckhams (Brooklyn and Romeo), the Paltrows (Apple) or the Geldofs (Peaches and Fifi Trixibelle) of this world. Germany also has its fair share of nouveau-stupido celebrities, first and foremost actor Uwe Ochsenknecht, who called his two boys Jimi Blue and Wilson Gonzalez respectively.

But if you’ve got enough money to tell the world to “go do one” it probably doesn’t matter what you call your kids, they will always be well sheltered from the abuse levelled at your average Jordan Bloggs.

Stupid tourist season begins

A 2006 Readers Digest survey of good manners in 35 world cities ranked Berlin number three, behind Toronto and Zurich, for courteousness.

If you live in Berlin, you could be forgiven for spitting out your currywurst at this point. Because Berliners aren't exactly renowned for their politeness. Quite the opposite. If you put a foot wrong in this city you can very quickly find yourself on the receiving end of Berliner Schnauze, the brusque local way of telling you to go to hell.

Since the study was published, there have been various attempts to explain the disparity. The consensus seems to be that Berliners have plenty of patience when it comes to hapless tourists. But if they think you live here, you should know better - and that makes you fair game.

However, the tourists themselves aren't always well behaved and respectful towards their hosts. On Easter Monday, a drunken Lithuanian man got himself arrested after doing a Basil Fawlty i.e. shouting out Sieg Heil and raising his right arm in front of the Russian Embassy on Unter den Linden. He was released by the police after they did a blood test, presumably to confirm that he was as pissed as a fart. A mere three hours later, the same man got arrested a second time, for the same crime (yes it is a crime in Germany), but in front of the Reichstag. And they say travel broadens the mind...

Berlin in real time

A new Berlin webcam went online this week. But this is no ordinary webcam with grainy pictures that stutter across the screen every couple of minutes. No, this little baby, mounted on the roof of the 37-storey Park Inn hotel at Alexanderplatz, uses new-fangled live Flash video to deliver high-resolution, real-time pictures. Even better, you can direct the camera yourself. (God forbid should this technology ever become affordable.)

Behold Berlin's pulsating eastern centre! Zoom in to see the drug pushers and the all-day drinkers near the Rote Rathaus. Pan around and observe the bemused tourists at the TV tower wondering "Is this all there is?" Zoom out and take in the breathtaking eight-lane Karl-Marx-Allee and its communist high-rise flats. Yep, it's a real feast for the eyes.

Arm aber sexy

Welcome to Berlin, welcome to Debtsville, Deficit County, IOU State. Since 1991, Berlin’s Schuldenberg or mountain of debt has ballooned from 10 billion to 60 billion euros. In fact if you piled Berlin’s debts up in one-euro coins, the Schuldenberg would be 55 times higher than the Matterhorn. I reckon.

Despite signs of recovery in the German economy at large, the Berlin unemployment rate remains very high at just over 16%. And according to the media, almost half the city’s population now lives on benefits.

An article in The Economist in September 2006 (here but for subscribers only) offered this explanation for Berlin’s financial woes:

During the cold war both halves of the city were heavily subsidised, but the money dried up after unification. The legacy was one of uncompetitive firms, a huge bureaucracy and an ingrained welfare mentality. Heavyweight firms that moved out after 1945, such as Siemens and Deutsche Bank, saw no reason to return. The results are visible as soon as one strays beyond the smart government district around the Brandenburg Gate or the posh neighbourhoods near Kurfürstendamm. Signs of poverty are everywhere. One-third of children in Berlin are poor.

Sounds like it’s all doom and gloom, but as with so many other things, Berliners seem to take it in their stride. The city’s mayor, Klaus Wowereit, even gave it a positive spin, describing Berlin as, “Arm aber sexy” or, “poor but sexy” – a label that has stuck.

Berlin, the boho babe with take-me-to-bed eyes but without a penny to her name. It might not be entirely true but it’s not that wide of the mark either.